Sunday, February 12, 2017

2 Years

Pipe cleaner cross made by Louie
I started to really feel it as soon as the calendar changed to February. I think February is always going to just be a tough month. I could physically feel the heartbreak. There were times when it felt like my chest was caving in on itself and the my chest where my heart was felt cold. As the 13th gets closer I feel how I retreat into myself. I just get so sad. I start to has flash backs to the days we lost him and the days of the viewing and funeral. I get vivid memories of...

Rosie bringing crafts for the kids.

Chris and Aerica running to the store to get snacks.

My boy cousins all dressed in their shirt and ties with white gloves on.

Holding Monique's hand and her speaking to Tata when I couldn't.

Handing my Mom a stick of Juicy Fruit to place in Tata's shirt pocket next to his pens so when he's reunited with us in heaven one day he would have chicle for us.

I found that I was missing Tata's love. I just didn't know if his love for me was still real. It was pushing me deeper and deeper into a depression of sorts. But of course in typical Tata fashion he sent me, and other family members a sign. While driving a rainbow showed up. One where I was, one where Tia Mary was, one where Tia Connie was and one where Cousin Rosie was. He knew we needed it more than ever. And yes we firmly believe that our Tata can color the sky for us. This man would move heaven and earth for us.

As the day got closer I found myself feeling like I was shrinking, falling into myself. Afraid of what the actual day would feel like. The day before my cousin Erika set up a mass to be dedicated to Tata. So the family met at the cemetery before the mass. Tata's headstone was finally installed and a lot of us had not seen it yet. It's beautiful.

And here is the magic of my family. Getting together, even at the cemetery made me feel better. Being together always makes me feel better. Knowing that we are all in this together is medicine. It is a reminder that not only is my Tata's love for us still real, but it's alive and it's growing.

Baby Amaris was there, my cousin Leo's  beautiful baby girl. She never got to meet Tata but she was born on his birthday.

The first birthday without him and he sent us this angel.

Our family, my Tata's legacy continues to grow. Even after the mass that was dedicated to him, he rewarded us with the announcement of a new baby in the family. We are growing, his love continues to multiple and thrive.

It's been 2 years today since my Tata left this world. I miss him every single day. Not one day has gone by that I don't think about him many many times a day. My broken heart is still very much open and raw. This kind of heartache is like nothing I have experienced before. But I have this family to lean on and with them I can get through anything. 

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