What the F is happening to me?

Me, now.

 So when I started this blog about 20 years ago it was a way to share my journey becoming a parent. I now have a 20 year old heading to university and a 15 year old in high school. Although I am far from done with parenting. (In fact it has got more complicated and confusing really.) I have also done this absolutely awful thing called aging. In a short 6 months from now I will be 48 years old. That is basically 50. WTF? How is that even real? Over the last 3 years I have stepped it up. I have lost 50 pounds, I have been consistently going to the gym 5 days a week and even started lifting weights 3 times a week. Despite all that hard work (and let me tell you it is really really hard work) I still managed to age. Grey hair, wrinkles around my eyes, and the worst of all was entering the horrible hell that is perimenopause. 

And to say I was not prepared for this is a huge understatement. (shout out New Found Glory) First off I haven't been having those typical sitcom symptoms. When you think of women going through menopause you think of...

• hot flashes
• ridiculously low sex drive (complete opposite) 
• mood swings (okay maybe I have this one)
• no periods

For me my periods have been like clock work for the last 5 years. And regular periods are new to me. I went through most of my "womanhood" having very very irregular periods. But once J got "fixed" and I was able to get off any kind of birth control things finally went normal. Like my Apple watch is always always right on. Also for the first time I am experiencing cramps. Those are fun. So having a normal period made me think that the other things I were going through were something else entirely. 

The biggest and scariest of the symptoms I have had for probably the last 8 months or so is severe depression and intrusive thoughts. I have started calling them the "dark days". About a week before my period starts I get that fun irritability. Like everything (even J) annoys the hell out of me. Then that moods melts into sadness. Like everything makes me cry. A song on the radio, a commercial, every single movie I watch, any book I am reading. There was a time when my boss sent me home because I couldn't keep it together. There have been days where I could not get out of my bed. As these "dark days" progress, the intrusive thoughts in my head get louder and meaner. My self-esteem hits a all time low (shout out New Found Glory). How bad can it be you ask?

• your children would be so much better without you
• your husband never loved you and settled for this awful life
• no one in your life has ever liked you. 
• you are ugly, fat and no one would ever want you physically

Let's put it this way. I am not allowed to have the key and combo to the gun safe. 

Each month is different. Sometimes it's not so bad and I can get through it pretty easily. There are other times when I am not sure if I will get through the next few days. Even the anticipation is tough. As the big red dot on my calendar gets closer I start to have anxiety over how bad it might be. Then it hits and the week passes and its just over and I am back to normal. Until I am a week out from "p day" and it starts all over again. 

But did you see a doctor about all this? 

Yes. For someone who will make any excuse to not go to the doctor, things got so bad that I made an appointment. I wanted to get my hormone levels checked. All the research I had done said that perimenopause can be helped by balancing your hormone levels. I was honest with the PA (because of course seeing a doctor would have taken months!). He nodded and took notes. Then he told me that a hormone panel would not be beneficial because at my age it would just show imbalances and that's just common. He explained how hormone replacement therapy is too risky for women and should only be done in the event of things like a hysterectomy. He told me to explain what I am going through with my husband and to lean on him when I'm sad. He handed me a prescription for Prozac and told me that I could take it when I started to feel down. Then he told me that he was going to refer me to a psychiatrist. 

I left that appointment so disappointed. I felt like I was unheard. That my concerns were not valid. That only my husband was strong enough to deal with this.  When this all started I thought I was going crazy. Then after some research, and speaking with my own Momma, I realized that it was perimenopause. A completely normal thing that women go through. Then I left the doctors (sorry PA's) office again feeling like I was going crazy. J and I talked about it and I decided to not fill the Prozac prescription so we are just rolling with everything as it comes each month. 

From what I am hearing this wonderful stage of last only lasts about a decade. 

Dirt Road Diary- Berdoo Canyon

It had been awhile but Joey recently convinced me to head out on an off-roading adventure. Mostly because the San Berdoo trail ends inside Joshua Tree National Park and it's hard to so no to a day trip to Joshua Tree. 

And about 15 minutes in we were already out of the trucks and fixing something. I swear the guys live for stuff like that. Luckily it wasn't our truck this time. 

The last time we did this trail was in 2014.  I think we have aged pretty damn well. 

This time it was cold. Like mega, wear as many layers as you can cold. Check out the safety first twinsies..

When we are not working we are playing. But probably still talking about work.

A hill that our truck could not make it up. 

Joshua Tree is beyond gorgeous. Pictures can never do it justice. 

We made a stop to explore around some amazing rocks. 

It also was a pit stop. If there is one thing I really really hate to do is pee outside. Like I really really hate it. It's the main reason I will opt out of off road trips. 

Of course when you are in such beautiful nature you must take some selfies. Joey caught me getting those good angles with the good light. 

And the actual selfie. You can even see Joey in my glasses. That yellow jacket makes him easy to spot anywhere. 

Then a real picture. This may be the only picture Joey has ever taken of me on his phone. 

We got into the park with the intentions of grilling up some food and hanging out but we got out of the car for about 3 minutes when we called it. It was like biting cold. So instead we headed into the town in search of a restaurant that could sit our big group. 

I felt seen by this.

Karla made some calls and found the Tiny Pony Tavern. From the outside it looked a little sketchy. It turned out to be a really cool and fun place with great food and strong mimosas. It was such a great find and I hope we get to back again soon! 

After we said our goodbyes to the group Joey and I headed to the Joshua Tree Distillery. We have always wanted to stop by and do a tasting and since we were in the neighborhood we went for it. For $20 you get to taste 4 items. It can be liquor neat or one of their mixed drinks. I was very excited to try the Giant Rock Gin. Giant rock has always been special to us. Remember THIS? We tried the gin and whiskey and the whiskey ginger cocktail and the Gin Tom Collins. Everything was so good and we came home with a bottle of Giant Rock Gin. 

As usual with these adventures, it was a perfect day. Despite having to pee behind a rock.

God Only Knows

 So if you know me you are well aware that I need to become obsessed with random things for short periods of time. The last few weeks have been all about The Beach Boys, more specifically Brian Wilson. 

It all started when I watched the movie Say Anything for the first time a few weeks ago. Great movie but it got me thinking "what has John Cusack done lately?". A quick google search lead me to re-watching theJohn Cusack movie "Love and Mercy, which is a Brian Wilson bio-pic and a great movie. Which lead to watching "Long Promised Road" a Brian Wilson documentary. Which will eventually lead to me reading every biography on Brian Wilson I can get my hands on. 

To me the Beach Boys encapsulate the ideal Southern California living. I grew up on the coast as a beach kid. That Ventura County Line they talk about in Surfin' USA. I literally used to surf there. Well, attempt to surf, things that require balance are not my forte. 50 First Dates is one of my favorite movies and "Wouldn't It Be Nice" plays a cute role in that one. And seriously the song "God Only Knows" is in my top 5 of songs of all time. ALL TIME PEOPLE. 

It is absolutely incredible what Brian Wilson has gone through. There is little debate to the fact that he is a musical genius. They way he can hear these crazy layers of sound in his head and bring them to life in a studio with instruments, office supplies, animals, and make it unreal brand new sounds is amazing. But this man was tormented by his own mind. Later in life is was finally diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. A neurological disorder that has symptoms of hallucinations, delusions, depression and full on mania. Mix this with abusive parents, drug abuse, and being overmedicated by a shady doctor for 9 years it's a miracle Brian Wilson is here today. Not only is he still here, but he's still making music. 

2023

 We are just gonna pretend I was here the whole time. Deal? 

So…… thanks to platforms like Instagram (okay maybe just Instagram) I have completely left writing behind. Which is kinda sad cause writing really was my jam. So of course a new year means new resolutions and for someone like me, resolutions usually mean another thing to add to my already full day. Read more, exercise more, clean more, write more. Like my days are not already jam packed. But Type A Elissa just really needs to add more so I’m going to try to write more and since this blog is here and we are paying for the web address might as well use it. 

So where are we? Well I still have that sexy ass husband and the two kids. And even though the husband has remained sexy AF the kids have continued to age. Phi is now 17 and a senior in high school. ( yes I know. It’s a whole crisis I’m currently going through) and Louie is 12 and in 7th grade. I’m happy to report that Phi is still brilliant, beautiful and talented and Louie is still part evil genius, the cutest kid to ever live and showing signs of talent all her own. I unfortunately have aged and now am 45 years old (a whole other crisis). I’m still with the same company and still loving work. COVID brought some changes, good ones, and has allowed me to work from home in the afternoons. It’s a game changer. Oh and we moved. We bought a brand spanking new house a couple of years ago. I now have 2 stories, 3 bathrooms and an office!

Let’s see, let’s see…. Oh yea I also went on a fantastic weight loss voyage. Over the past year I lost 40 pounds. Seriously why didn’t any of you tell me I needed to do that!?!  What was my secret??? You’re not gonna like my answer. Diet and exercise. That’s it. No pill, no surgery, no fasting or program. Just eating better and working out. My gym habits have become a bit obsessive but hey at least it’s not a drug habit. It could be so worse then going to the gym twice a day 6 days a week.

So let’s say that this catches you up over the last, I don’t know 4+ years. This will be like one of the movies series where you don’t have to watch all the series in order to understand what’s going on. You will catch one quick.

See husband still sexy AF and kids still gorgeous. 

When Simple Plan just gets it right.

I love pop punk music. That's it. Forever and always it will always make me happy and I will listen to it even when I am like 65. It's happening. I am at peace with that.

Despite what some may say, the genre never really went away. In fact those bands that we loved in the early 2000's are still making music. Remember Simple Plan? Those pop-punk kids from our friendly northern neighbor Canada.

Well like the rest of us, they have aged. And pretty damn well I must say. They released a new song with State Champs called "Where I Belong" and dammit it struck a chord with me. This song is exactly what 2003 was like for me. It perfectly summarized what meeting Joey and Matt was for me. (I love it when that happens)

 In 2003 I was so lost, but at the time did not even realize how lost I was. My life was a complete mess. Nothing but broken streetlights. I was not myself and miserable. I was doing anything I could just trying to escape. Looking back now I see it real clearly. Back then I thought I was just living my life without a care in the world.

Then I met these 2 punk rock boys from a town I had never heard of 2 hours away.

Who would have ever thought that meeting these guys would be the answer. That these funny, crazy, smart, talented boys would feel like home. And the handsome one would become my reason, my obsession, my everything.

I didn't have to pretend to be someone else. I'm finally breathing. Like I never could on my own. I was me, mistakes, regrets and far from perfect. And they were them, mistakes and regrets and far from perfect. We built a family of young people in a house in the middle of a cul-de-sac. We had no idea what we were doing with our lives, but it didn't matter because we had each other.

We went through all the scary grown-up things that everyone has to do. We found careers, homes, and even had punk kids of our own. We may have figured some stuff out but deep down we are still kids faking it. And the best part is that we are still a family and still having fun.

I'm looking in the rear-view mirror

Everything looks the same

There's nothing but broken streetlights

And I'm just trying to escape

I'm waiting on a distant feeling

I'm waiting for things to change

It's getting hard to ride on empty

But maybe I'm not so far away

'Cause it feels like home

I found a reason

And suddenly I'm not so alone

I'm finally breathing

Like I never could on my own

Start the countdown, let's get it on

Scream our lungs out to our favorite song

'Cause this is where I belong

I can tell you just don't get it

And that you'll never understand

I'm sorry that I can't be perfect

But I'm not changing who I am

Maybe there's no destination

Maybe I'm gonna make mistakes

Let you in on one of my secrets

I'm still just as lost as yesterday

But it feels like home

Look past the warning signs

The same ones that told me

"Yeah, you just turn back and run

Play it safe before you come undone"

If you saw through my eyes

This view is worth it

Can't believe me when I say

There's no place in this world I'd rather be

We went to the Zoo and then I made Us make a Zine

Bass Lake 2018

The whole family packed up in July and headed out to our favorite place on earth. We had an awesome lake front house for a week and to make it more special my Nana came with us! She spent her days relaxing on the patio while the kids (and Joey!) spent the time running around and off as many surfaces into the water as they could. 

The annual talent show was awesome. Mom, Pops and Nana took home the trophy! We had a lot of yummy (mostly restaurant!) dinners. There was a pretty bad fire near by all week that even forced us inside one day. We went to pizza and watched Hotel Transylvania 3. It was Ellie's first movie theater experience and she did awesome. We even hit up a brewery.

This year was all about relaxing and it was absolutely amazing. 

I have the pictures to prove it. 

I can't wait until next summer.