Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Answering the Questions You've Been Dying to Ask

Everywhere we go, without fail, someone will stop us and ask the same question....

"How long did it take for you to grow that?"

Of course I am talking about the beard. People are fascinated with the beard. I know that people have so many questions when it comes to the beard, so I thought I would do a quick interview to answer all the questions you have been dying to ask.

E- You are obviously awesome and magnificent and the most popular part of our family. So let's get the first and most common question out of the way. How long did it take for you to get as long and big as you are?

B- I began this current journey on January 1, 2011. A fantastic photographer did a photo series of my first 24 weeks. I would say that it takes me about 2 years to get to my current length. I was about 4 inches longer but gave myself a trim. You know to even things out.

E- You look like you could walk onto the show Duck Dynasty and fit right in. Are you a big fan?

B- Not really. Let me set the record straight. My dynasty began way before anyone knew who those duck people were.  Although it did make for an easy Halloween costume a couple of years ago.

E- Fan of ZZ Top?

B-  Yes I am. Fun fact the drummer of ZZ Top whose last name is beard is the only one in the band without a beard.

E- This might be a rude question but you are obviously very grey. Why don't you dye yourself?

B- I grow, and fast. If I dyed myself today I will have grey roots within a week. That's just a lot of maintenance and the beauty of me is that I am pretty low maintenance.

E- Do you use any product?

B- I have tried a few beard shampoos and oils and even wax for my mustache. On the daily I just use regular old shampoo. I have yet to find a product I can't live without.

E- Can people just come up and touch you?

B- No way. What if I walked up to you and grabbed your 'insert body part here'. Rude right? Things might even get violent . Of course people ask, and that's okay. If you ask nicely and don't look like a total weirdo I will let you touch me. I will even pose for a picture.

E- People like to assume that beards are covered with spilled food and smell bad. Is this true?

B- I can't speak for all beards. But I am very clean. I wash with shampoo daily and use more napkins than the average bear. I even have a system for eating that keeps me clean. I am as clean as the hair on your head. Assuming you washed it today.

E- When was the last time a razor touched you?

B- Besides my bikini line? Just kidding. I wax. It's been 4 years, 3 months and 29 days.

E- How does your family feel about you?

B- The youngest family member was exactly 6 months old when I began so really she doesn't know life without me. How awesome is that? My oldest kid loves me and brags about me to her friends. And the wife, well lets just say she has a slight lumberjack fetish.

E- Obviously you are the hero to many. Are there any beards you look up to?

B-  I do. Jeff Langum. He is the 2013 World Beard and Mustache Champ. I hope to one day be as full as that. I got mad respect for anyone who grows a mean beard.

E- Will you ever shave yourself completely off?

B- I suppose at one time it will happen but it's not something I think about. I don't put much thought into it. Even if I did, in a matter a months, BOOM I'm back.

E- Thanks for keeping it real. Any last words.

B-  I leave you with a favorite quote of mine, "Beards are like boobs. The bigger they are, the longer you stare".

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