Punk Rock Parents: What page are you on?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

What page are you on?


The Phi's behavior is out of control and PR Dad and I are not on the same page when it comes to discipline. He is more of a do whatever to make her stop crying kind of parent. I am more of a no you don't deserve it so cry all you want kind of parent. Yesterday is a great example of our differences. We went to a lot of stores yesterday looking for a comforter. Target was our last stop and the store before she had gotten in trouble for not listening to us and then running away from me at the store forcing me to chase her down. She we get into Target and she wants the cart with the big plastic seats. The last time we got one of those she would not sit in it, kept getting out, and kept dragging the bottom of her feet on the floor. So I told her that we were not going to get one of those, that we were going to get a regular cart because of what happened last time. And listed what happened last time. She freaked and started her melt down and instead of just putting her in the regular cart and letting her cry PR Dad takes her to the shoe section and lets her pick out 2 pairs of shoes and a new shirt. He does this to stop her from screaming. This is his form of discipline. What I call the "Turn her into a spoiled brat" method. The pros to this is that you are only subject to public embarrassment for a brief period of time. The con is that The Phi is learning that a public tantrum will get her piles of new things. I on the other hand I have to be the mean one, the one who doesn't let her watch a dvd in the car after she kicked the dvd player, or the one who doesn't let her watch the Barney video because she was yelling at me. The one who has to deal with the spoiled brat who only wants her Dad because he doesn't yell and always gives in to her wishes no matter what her behavior is like. PR Dad and I briefly discussed this last night. He knows that we have to be on the same page about this. He knows that if we are not consistent that she will run wild and her bad behavior will continue and just get worse. But what is the answer? What is the best way to discipline this child? Time-outs don't work unless I want to physically strap her down to a chair, and spanking just teaches her to strike out when she in mad. So right now we are going to try a reward chart. Since stickers were pretty effective for potty training I am hoping they will work for this to. I made up a little chart with 10 squares, a list of good things with a big happy face giving a thumbs up and a list of bad things with a sad face. When she does a good thing like listen to her parents, brush her teeth, pick up her toys, eat all her food etc she gets a smile face. If she does something on the bad list, like whine, not listen, not eat, etc than she gets a happy face wiped off. If she fills up her chart she can get one thing when we are at a store. If she doesn't have a filled chart than she can't. This way PR Dad will know if she can or can't get something. So to start off I hid the new light up shoes PR Dad bought her from target. She has been really wanting some of these so this will be her first reward when she fills up her first chart! Now this chart thing may totally not work, or completely back fire. So tell me, what is your discipline suggestions? And no spanking people, because it really is ridiculous to hit a kid for hitting.

10 comments:

  1. Yeah this is a tuffie.

    I think the reward system is a good idea. Give it a whirl and see if Phi earns her light up shoes.

    I spanked Isabella once and I had to leave the room because I cried. What worked for me was getting down to her level (literally) facing her and talking to her.

    I was told to use the "if..and then" sentences. Meaning "If you throw your shoes at me then you will not watch a movie...if you want to watch a movie then don't throw your shoes." At first I thought "yeah, right...what a crock" but it actually worked. They feel like they are getting a choice instead of being told what to do...

    Good Luck! :D

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  2. Anonymous6:45 PM

    if you are going to do stickers, why do them for things she does bad? b/c you are rewarding her for the good, if you keep the chart for the bad and she gets to 10, what will happen...you didnt write consequences, why b/c you are trying the positive reward system, so really
    the bad stickers are not really necessary, i think, unless if she reaches ten something is taken away or she loses a favorite toy and has to earn it back, like getting 10 stickers again. thats what i think anyways, i dont have kids i have to admit. ~woman ps not yet pss no my i'm not pregnant pss sorry for the run on sentences.

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  3. Thanks for the advice Lyndz I will definatly try that. And Rose, we decided to laminate the chart and use a dry eraser. So we can give her happy faces for good things and take them away for bad. So far it is working. I sat her down and explained it to her. If why we had to have the chart. She has 2 smiley faces so far.

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  4. This is a tough topic. We've tried an array...believe me..it's been a trying process for us all around. The reward system sounds good if she responds well to it. I'm all about trial and error, and using what proves to work for each child. My daughter never took to the stickers, so sadly, that wasn't an option for us. We use firm verbal discipline, and time outs. No matter where we are, we try to keep it consistent. So if she raises hell in Target, she gets to sit in time out in the corner of an isle....It's a learning process always it seems.

    Good luck 2 u :)

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  5. While we are shopping we generally use the reward system. At first, it was the promise of a "treat" if they were good, which usually meant a candy bar at checkout. But the reward never stayed fresh in their minds while we shopped and they usually ended up acting out. So we had to come up with some other ideas.

    Often, we'll let them carry something fun around while we are shopping, like something from the toy aisle - usually something cheap. If they're *really* good, we'll keep it at checkout. If not, we'll hand it to the checkout clerk for reshelving.

    This way, if our kids are going to throw a fit about not getting something because they behaved badly, they're at least throwing that fit on the way out...

    It's still a rewards system, which could lead to them getting spoiled, but only if they're consistently well behaved, which is a rarity.

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  6. hey, you are right about one thing you and PR dad have got to be on the same page.. The only thing that will work in the end is consistency. Yeah this coming from a woman who has a 16 month old... what the F' do I know :)

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  7. Wendy9:41 PM

    Wow, I'm glad I came over here. Very cool blog. As the mother of three "newly adult" kids, I feel your pain because I've been right where you are. I tried time outs and they didn't work very well. My kids got to the point where they could "do the time" with no problem. I found that the reward system worked the best -- and I mean earned rewards, not instant ones. That's why your chart sounds like a good idea. I found, with my kids, it was also important to follow-up on the whole thing, meaning that taking things or privileges away has just as much of an impact. We tried different methods, and this is what worked the best. We stayed with it right up through high school. Sounds like you're on the right track.

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  8. Anonymous6:32 PM

    dry erase board, that is a great idea, i love it, glad she does too.
    ~woman

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  9. Anonymous2:11 AM

    Kids are people: they scream to get what they want. If they know screaming will get them a whuppun' then they won't do it. That system worked with me when I was a kid and my dad made dang sure of it. My folks also never took us to the store unless it was to buy us clothes.
    I'm not saying it's right, but we did not put on displays of spoiled behavior...or else!

    Parents, don't let your children grow up to be Paris!

    G$

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  10. Have you ever read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child?"

    You have a textbook spirited kid on your hand there. That book changed my life.

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